Someone is Cranky
It's me, perpetually!
It's possible I am some sort of horrible misanthrope. Ok, no it's not, at least outright hostility toward other people is something toward other people. A feeling. My fear, the fear, you know, the life-fear you have that isn't desert islands or spiders or drowning or small spaces, the fear about the particular way in which you're deficient as an emotionally-functioning human... that fear? Yeah. Mine is that I could be alone. Not that I am afraid of being alone, that I would be just absolutely fine. And I don't think it's that irrational a concern. I think if I got dropped on a desert island with shelter and sustenance but no other person, well... sure, I'd miss people, but I think I'd adjust. And I worry that I'd adjust. I am afraid that this self-sufficiency is not self-sufficiency but instead, I don't know, some sort of inadvertently narcissistic self-contained-ness, where I really am all I need and that's why I don't keep track of people very well, or like communities and groups and friend-groups, or, you know, like other people very much.
But that can't be right, can it??
Naaaah!
What to do in the meantime when I am surrounded by people I don't always want to engage with, not that I don't like them necessarily, but I just don't see why? When I want to write and I know that I am always writing-for, because that is how it works and what I want, but... but...
how can I try to write when there is always writing-for and I don't really like -for?
I can try to integrate myself into whatever community I want, but I think in my head I will always be bobbing along on some funny little self-boat, totally separate from the things going on around me, because I don't know how or can't bring myself to engage.
This is lame! This is supposed to be my writing idea notebook online thing! Screw this!
It's possible I am some sort of horrible misanthrope. Ok, no it's not, at least outright hostility toward other people is something toward other people. A feeling. My fear, the fear, you know, the life-fear you have that isn't desert islands or spiders or drowning or small spaces, the fear about the particular way in which you're deficient as an emotionally-functioning human... that fear? Yeah. Mine is that I could be alone. Not that I am afraid of being alone, that I would be just absolutely fine. And I don't think it's that irrational a concern. I think if I got dropped on a desert island with shelter and sustenance but no other person, well... sure, I'd miss people, but I think I'd adjust. And I worry that I'd adjust. I am afraid that this self-sufficiency is not self-sufficiency but instead, I don't know, some sort of inadvertently narcissistic self-contained-ness, where I really am all I need and that's why I don't keep track of people very well, or like communities and groups and friend-groups, or, you know, like other people very much.
But that can't be right, can it??
Naaaah!
What to do in the meantime when I am surrounded by people I don't always want to engage with, not that I don't like them necessarily, but I just don't see why? When I want to write and I know that I am always writing-for, because that is how it works and what I want, but... but...
how can I try to write when there is always writing-for and I don't really like -for?
I can try to integrate myself into whatever community I want, but I think in my head I will always be bobbing along on some funny little self-boat, totally separate from the things going on around me, because I don't know how or can't bring myself to engage.
This is lame! This is supposed to be my writing idea notebook online thing! Screw this!
posted by stower at 11:07 AM
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