Fffffff

I am a stupid 5 on the stupid enneagram and if I let anything go it is a loss to me, a loss at the center of me, and everything is so tidy that I can't get to where it all mixes and becomes real, and even though I can write when I make myself I'm so apart from myself and it's so apart from me, I don't know if I am able--

when I do write I have to separate it from me and not care about it, otherwise I can't do anything at all. Like I have to fool myself into thinking it's not about anything really, and then let it come back around to where it is real and me, and then I get grossed out by it all and abandon the effort.